Are You Regular? and Other Outragousness at the Job Interview

94% of people fail at network marketing. At least, that’s what they told us last night at the presentation of a new local health drink. I had applied with the company because of an ad looking for German speakers, and they invited me to a presentation about their product. From reading their website I began to get the vibe that this was one of those Mormon pyramid schemes, and my fears were confirmed.
Now why would the motivational speaker tell us that 94% of us would fail? I’m still not sure why. That’s just not very good odds. But maybe it’s because he looked into the audience and saw what a bunch of losers we were. It was like what I imagine a sci-fi convention to be like, sans the Star Trek uniforms and the Wookies: large women with long hair and short, acne-scarred men with long hair. Crème de la Scum, as my husband would say. Ok, my description is not quite fair, because there were some earnest looking older women, who I’m sure can feel the effects of this miracle drink. But really, they were in a definite minority.
I’m also not sure why the first speaker presented us, among other things, a discourse on constipation. I suppose it was a natural segue from his saga about how his family has been involved in herbs and network marketing since the ‘70s. As what I suppose was a joke he said they even gave the kids “sacred bark” (an herbal laxative) to make sure they had three (3!) bowel movements a day. Because, as this portly, balding yet hair-dyeing gentleman explained, your bowels are like a tunnel and your food is like a train. If three trains go through a tunnel a day, then three trains should come out a day. If you eat three meals a day, you should have three bowel movements a day. I consider this a classic case of “Too Much Information.” It may be a health drink, but I guess I was unprepared to discuss the intricacies of his family’s g.i.
As a student of women’s studies I was also disturbed to see that none of the top people in the company were women or minorities. This uneasiness increased as the motivational speaker gave his presentation. I felt like I has back in high school and I was suppose to like this guy because he was a football player and had what some people called “charisma”. Here we were, the unpopular outcasts, who were supposed to be so glad that we might have the chance to make money for him. Plus he promised each of us would soon be the big frog in the little pond as our own business grew. Instant respect, instant popularity, and most importantly instant money.
In the end it really was the money talk that got to me. Maybe its’ my Marxist tendencies. Maybe it’s my idealistic youth. Maybe it’s just naiveté. Whatever it was, I was quite put off by all the money as motivator talk. I got a personal explanation of the compensation plan after the main meeting. It’s a classic pyramid scheme, in which you profit from not only what you sell, but what from the people you bring to the company sell. So if I get three people to sell and they get three people to sell and so on to the ninth level below, and they all are selling 300 cases a month, then I could make $140,000 a month! And even if this only became 10% true, then I could make $14,000! And if you get to the premiere seller status you get their version of the pink Cadillac in an all expenses paid trip to the origin of the fruit that is the source of the juice of this drink. At this point I think I was suppose to be jumping up and down with excitement and signing up right away. But while I’m into medievalism, I’m not really into serfdom, and I don’t find it appealing that I’m making money off of someone else’s work in away that I don’t deserve. You see, they want me to translate, but they also want me to sell this stuff to the Germans and start my own little business. I’m not sure I could sell it to them. Germans are really into the alternative health scene, but I think it’s apart of dealing with the Nazis as a rejection of “authority.” I’m not sure I’d feel good directly profiting off of that. Money is a necessary evil or a means to an end, not the end that any means justifies.
In the end it was a good experience because it made up my mind about something that seems to have been coming to a head recently. This got me thinking that if Car gets a PhD, I’ll be the only one of my siblings who isn’t a doctor of some kind. Sibling rivalry pushed me over the edge and my network marketing meeting sealed the deal: I’m definitely going to apply to PhD programs this fall.